


time shares ARE the devil's work

by Anonymous



Category: Christian Bible (Old Testament), Paradise Lost - John Milton
Genre: F/M, I'm not being irreverent it's for a class project, School Project, That's right, This is a crack fic, What Have I Done, and then writing a fanfic on it, my class final, was making a real estate listing/satanic handout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:14:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24051943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A modern take on how Adam and Eve got banished from Paradise.Unsurprisingly, it starts with free samples.
Relationships: Adam/Chava | Eve | Hawwa'
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8
Collections: Anonymous





	time shares ARE the devil's work

**Author's Note:**

> So this, uh. This was a class final, but some of my friends wanted to read it, so I figured, "why not post it anonymously?" So that's what I'm doing. 
> 
> This isn't meant to be irreverent - it's labelled as 'crackfic' simply because it's a comedic take on events that happened in the Bible/ Paradise Lost. 
> 
> (Professor Mitchell - or anyone from my Milton class - if you're reading this, hi! It's me, the one that flipped a table during that skit! I didn't plagiarize for my final project, I promise!)

“We should split up,” Eve suggested as they entered the Raphael’s - or, as their neighbors shortened it to, Ralph’s. 

Adam hesitated. It’s not that he didn’t love his fiancee - he _did_ , of course, wouldn’t have proposed if he hadn’t - but she had a tendency to get… sidetracked. And that tended to lead to trouble. 

_Then again_ , he mused to himself, _what trouble could she_ possibly _get into in a grocery store?_

“Sure,” Adam responded after a moment, trying not to let his hesitation show on his face. He didn’t want to be one of those overbearing partners, so he tried to shake off the bad feeling he’d had since they entered the parking lot. 

“How about you get the apples for the pie?” Adam suggested, and Eve nodded in agreement. 

“A shame a swarm of locusts destroyed our tree,” Eve sighed mournfully, and Adam cringed at the phantom buzzing that invaded his ears at the thought. 

“I’ll meet you back here in a few minutes?” Adam proposed, and his fiancee nodded with a smile and started to drift towards the produce section. 

Adam watched her go, ignoring the nagging feeling at the back of her head that warned him she was going to get herself into trouble, again. Shaking away the thought, he made his way to get some Jeez-its. 

* * *

  
  


“Apples,” Eve murmured to herself as her eyes roamed across the produce section. “Apples…” 

A moment later, the familiar selection of red and green caught her eye, as well as - 

_Ooh!_ Eve grinned excitedly. _Free samples!_

She hurried over to the little cart, only to grow more confused as she approached. The man behind the cart moved, catching Eve’s eye with his fraying-at-the-edges suit. 

_No samples_ , Eve thought sadly. _Just capitalism_. 

The man behind the cart shifted once more, and her gaze was drawn to his all-teeth smile. “Hello, ma’am!” He greeted, voice dripping with a mischief Eve didn’t catch. “Might I interest you in some time-shares?”

“Ah, no, thank you,” Eve declined politely, shifting her shopping bag from hand to hand. “I thought they were free samples.”

“Well, there are free samples of brochures!” The man piped up, and suddenly a piece of paper was in Eve’s hands without her realizing how it got there. “How would _you_ like to be a proud part-time owner of this _lovely_ abode in Sinsinnati?”

Eve’s first thought was that she already had a house with Adam, whose father had been kind enough to gift it to them on two conditions: that they kept up the garden (locusts and other plagues aside), and that they let him live in the attic above them. 

Eve’s _second_ thought was that the house was _sky blue_ , and she _loved_ it. 

* * *

Adam checked his watch, then checked his phone, then checked the time on his phone to make sure his watch was correct, then sighed. Looking around one more time, Adam decided that ten minutes of waiting was long enough, and headed towards the produce section with the hope that his fiancee had _at least_ remained in the store. 

She had, but by the way she was being chatted up by an oily businessman with a second-hand suit, she’d somehow managed to find the trouble that Adam had hoped she’d manage to avoid for once. 

Speeding up, he came into earshot of the two just as Eve was pointing at something on a brochure and asking the man a question. 

“And the backyard’s really-?”

“Eve!” Adam interrupted her, ignoring the irritated look the businessman shot him. “I’ve been waiting for you for ten minutes, dear. Did you get the apples?”

“No, but I got a timeshare!” She chirped, and Adam felt his stomach drop. 

“What.” He deadpanned, and it could have been his imagination, but the businessman’s grin seemed downright evil. 

“Indeed, sir!” The man now spoke up, puffing his chest out proudly and perhaps a bit tauntingly. “Your partner has had the good sense to sign up for a timeshare in Sinsinnati-”

“A _timeshare_ ? Adam interrupted yet again, turning to Eve exasperatedly. “Eve, you know Father’s friend Raphael has _literally_ said timeshares are the devil’s work. No offense,” he added as almost an afterthought when he saw the businessman’s eye twitch. 

“None taken,” the man said flatly, and Adam felt _just_ bad enough about his manners to extend a hand in greeting. 

“I’m Adam,” he said with a forced smile before gesturing to Eve. “Eve is my fiancee.”

“Congratulations,” the man said, though it seemed rather dispassionate. 

“Lüc here was just telling me about all the features of the timeshare!” Eve spoke excitedly, and Adam cocked his head as he appraised the other man. 

“Lüc?” Adam questioned. “That’s… French, isn’t it? Means light, or illumination?”

Lüc nearly flinched at that for some reason Adam couldn’t determine before forcing out through gritted teeth, “Yup. That’s it. Light.”

All of a sudden, Adam found his partner shoving a brochure into his hand excitedly. “Ooh, Adam, you should sign up to get their newsletter too! It’s about this cute little house in Ohio, look!” 

Adam, flipping through the brochure, had to admit that it _did_ seem like a nice place. 

“And it’s got a backyard for if we ever have kids.” Eve blushed, and Adam laughed internally as he remembered the conversation they’d had about children. Adam’s father was convinced they’d have quite a few. 

Adam shook his head fondly as he continued to leaf through the brochure before freezing when he saw the price. 

“... _Free?_ ” He asked Lüc disbelievingly, and felt a shudder run down his spine when the man smiled menacingly. 

“With continued commitment,” Lüc said almost flippantly. 

“‘Terms and conditions apply’,” Adam read aloud, looking back up to the businessman (realtor?) and seeing him smile even wider. 

“Oh yes,” the man practically purred, “just the usual fine print, I’m afraid. Terribly boring stuff. You get it all in the first newsletter we send you. Care to join the community?” Lüc asked at last, holding a clipboard and a pen out towards Adam, who was just about to refuse when he saw that the list only had one name. 

“Eve, you signed up?” He asked exasperatedly, unable to think of anything at the moment other than all the spam he’d just cleared out of his own inbox. 

“Yeah, it’s just your Eve-mail and signature to get to use this house for free!” Eve insisted, pointing at the brochure with puppy dog eyes. 

“... _fine_ ,” Adam sighed at last after a moment of expectant silence, and put down his Eve-mail and signature under his fiancee’s. Within a second of him lifting the pen, Adam found the clipboard snatched back. When he looked back up, he found that Lüc had - by some dark magic - packed up his entire cart into a large suitcase, and was now striding towards the door with the clipboard and pen in hand. 

“So nice to meet you, thank you for your patronage, my company will be in touch soon but I’m afraid I must leave now!” Lüc called back over his shoulder hurriedly, and only then did the couple notice the store’s security guard, Gabriel, striding after the man. 

“You know you can’t be in here, you snake!” Gabe roared, and both Adam and Eve flinched as he chased Lüc out into the parking lot. Gabe was a real angel most of the time, but served in the War, and neither Eve nor Adam envied Lüc at that moment. 

“...well, that was something,” Adam mused after a moment before turning to Eve. “Did you get the apples?”

Eve simply smiled sheepishly in response, and Adam sighed once more before turning towards the Granny Smiths. 

* * *

Adam opened up his Eve-mail upon returning home, and was surprised to find that Lüc had already sent him a notification. With a click, he opened it. 

**Subject** : _Snake Real Estate Timeshare Information - URGENT. Read IMMEDIATELY._

 **To** : Adam A. ( [ adamOGman@gmail.com ](mailto:adamOGman@gmail.com) ), Eve E. ( [ eveOGwoman@gmail.com ](mailto:eveOGwoman@gmail.com))

 **CC** : God A. ( [ fathersonholyspirit@gmail.com ](mailto:fathersonholyspirit@gmail.com))

 **From** : Snake Real Estate ( [ snakere@gmail.com ](mailto:snakere@gmail.com))

Adam and Eve, 

Congratulations on your new time-share commitment in Sinsinnati, OH! At this time, as we have no other parties interested in the time share, you two - as stated in the Terms and Conditions, which you agreed with upon signing your names today - are legally obligated to live in the timeshare year-round. 

Also per our Terms and Conditions, you are not allowed residence in any other abode at this time - hence our inclusion of God A. in this Eve-mail. Our records indicate you are currently living in Paradise, CA at the residence he gifted you, and - as we are merciful - we will allow one week for you two to gather your belongings and move out of your current residence. 

One final item of note: unfortunately, there was an advertising error on our brochures. We apologize for any confusion (but are not legally responsible for these issues, as stated in our Terms and Conditions). Attached are images of your new home in Sinsinnati - we hope you are just as excited for your new adventure as we are!

We do not have a customer service number available at this time, and no refunds are allowed. 

Warmly, 

Lüc E. Fer 

Snake Real Estate

PS - As a thank you for doing business with us, you’ll find a free pogo stick in your new living room - a gift from us to you!

[attachment: houseimages.zip]

  
  


Adam continued staring at the Eve-mail numbly until he finally moved to click on the images of the new house he and his fiancee would be in within a week. _It might not be the blue house_ , Adam thought desperately to himself, _but how bad can it be?_

The answer was very, very bad, and Adam was sure he’d never trust another Frenchman again. 

The ‘antique’ kitchen appliances were a pot and an open fire in the backyard (overgrown with weeds). The ‘highly efficient plumbing system’ was a hole in the floor with a sheet of plywood covering it when not in use. The ‘natural detailing’ was likely a reference to all the ‘nature’ in their living room - namely, tens of snakes, all of which Adam was pretty sure were poisonous. Perhaps worst of all was the ‘open living, kitchen, and dining rooms’, which were _open_ because there was no roof to the house (which also, Adam supposed, explained how there was ‘lots of sunlight’). 

Just as Adam finished looking at the pictures, he heard stomping footsteps in the stairwell leading down from the attic. “ _Adam!_ ” His father roared, always having an uncanny sense for whenever something went particularly wrong. “ _Eve!”_

_Well_ , Adam thought to himself as he continued to stare at the screen numbly, his father drawing nearer and nearer. [_At least we get a pogo stick_](https://www.reddit.com/r/BrandNewSentence/comments/etwgqa/satan_is_not_a_fucking_pogo_stick/). 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is probably one of the few fics I wouldn't like constructive criticism for, since I didn't really write this as a serious fanfic as much as an accompaniment to my final project real estate listing. Hope you got a laugh out of it either way!


End file.
